Agonizing Torment Inside My Mind And Body


Agonizing Torment Inside My Mind And Body

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Yep, right now if I am honest, there is torment inside my mind and body. I’m writing this since it has just been a week of pure hell.  I don’t know how else to say that, as this is pure truth.

On Monday, I missed an appointment I so badly needed.  I was trying to hang on at that moment, as I knew a lot was hitting the fan. The torment inside my mind and body was so great, I could hardly function.

Yet my mind messed the appointment time up in my head for the therapy session, so I missed it by an hour.  I really needed to be there.  It could have been my saving grace moment.

After driving 1.5 hours to get to the therapy session, I had to turn around and go back home.  I was furious!  I was angry!  There was no one I wasn’t angry with at that moment. I was so disgusted with myself for screwing up and missing what I badly needed at that moment.

It was pure torment inside my mind and body.

The next day I fumed all day long while trying to put it past me.  I tried to forget about it and move on.  Rationalizing it was no use.  Putting it in perspective did little but appease my anger for a moment.

The following day, I woke up in the middle of the night with back pain so fierce I could barely move.  The next morning I sat down to pet my cat and I felt the twinge in my back.  It became difficult to get back up after that moment. Movement from that point forward was difficult at best and full of pain.

I was tired of dealing with trauma and torture and memories

Life felt hopeless.  I struggled to put it in perspective.  It meant little to me that maybe things would get better.  All I could see was that I was tired of all of this in life.  I was tired of dealing with the trauma and torture and memories.

The torment inside my mind and body grew worse.  I just wanted life to end.  There was little keeping me from saying “enough is enough” and “I’m done with it all.”

I finally let someone I trust do a little light touch on me.  At first, my body braced itself against the touch.  At first, the anxiety pulsated through my cells at the feeling of touch. 

Today, I’m doing better.  The pain level is down.  I can move a little easier.  My mood is a little lightened although I’m still easily triggered and irritable.

Inside My Mind And Body

In my mind, a war continues to rage.  The torment inside my mind and body is like a category five hurricane unleashing everything it has on me.  There is no peace inside or outside.  There is no calm.  It is just pure hell.

I feel like I could direct a movie of an event that I can’t fully recall.  Not that I don’t know it happened, but I can only get in touch with the feelings, not the actual events.  It is there, but it is not.

Today I’m trying to take care of myself and just be in the place where all of this can unfold.  It isn’t easy.  I want it fixed.  I want it over and I’m tired of dealing with all these things.  In many ways, I feel alone.  In many ways, I feel like it will never end.

The torment inside my mind and body is real, even though I can’t show you where it is.  Even though I can’t fully describe it, I know it rages deep within and I know it hides so secretively from my prying eyes.

These Events Are From My Past

For now… I try to hold steady and I try to find balance.  I try to hang on for dear life as I keep reminding myself that these events unfolding in my mind and body are not real – they are from my past.  Yet, it feels like it is happening right now, even though I know it isn’t.

In many ways, I feel fortunate that I can at least connect what is happening in my body with what is happening in my mind.  It is better than being so numb that I don’t even realize there is a connection. 

For further reading, look for the blog post on September 18, 2019, “Go In And Feel The Mind Body Connection.”