This is the time of year that I’m once again remembering grief. It happened so suddenly and I wasn’t expecting it. The phone call came in, sharing the news that stopped my world and my day.
My mom had been killed in a car accident on her way home from a doctor visit. If you have read my story, you’ll know that my family life was anything but good. There were so many things I wanted to ask my mom and so many things left unsaid.
That was in 2002 and to this day, I’m still remembering grief. There is hardly a day that goes by where I don’t notice the loss of my mom. It feels like a hole that cannot be filled.
Recently a friend of mine lost his mom. His adopted dad and I were best friends, and he passed away only a few years earlier. I feel for him because losing all the connection to your parents, regardless of how toxic they may be, is difficult.
Yes, my dad is technically still alive. From what I understand, he is suffering from dementia. At least that’s what the doctors say. I have a feeling he’s just suffering from the torment of all the abuse and torture he inflicted on the family. Regardless, I haven’t had contact with him since 1992 and I have no plans to change this.
Remembering Grief Is Difficult
Remembering grief is difficult. There’s no easy way to process it no matter how much time passes. Even with my mom, I loved her dearly, but there was a limit to how much she protected me from that monster (aka my father).
There’s so much I don’t understand while remembering grief that it is hard to process. Relatives know more than they are saying, but once again family secrets go to the grave, helping no one.
I’m perplexed in my love for my mom and the torment, torture, and abuse I lived through simultaneously. When you’re remembering grief, there is no easy way to make sense of that. Nothing makes sense and what does come close is not enough.
Each year, there is more distance between myself and my mom. Remembering grief takes on a new meaning and outcome. It is never easy. I feel it no matter what.
I Struggle To Keep My Mom’s Memory Alive
One of the things I struggle with the most is keeping her alive in my memory. So much of that has faded now, and I feel like I’m losing yet another piece of her.
Remembering grief is not a simple process that happens in a day or a month or a few years. It is an ongoing healing process that is not the same for any two people. Where it ends, I have no clue, but my heart knows it still hurts.
You may want to check out the tribute I did to my Mom on MothersDayMusic.net