While this may not be earth-shattering news, healing traumatic experiences requires a lot of courage. It is not easy by any means, so let me explain what I’ve been through in my life.
I went through my last bodywork therapy session and it felt like a breakthrough moment. I knew I had connected with traumatic experiences of my past. When I got up off the table, it was as if things had shifted. When I went home that night, I felt like I had been stretched like a pretzel, but I was much more hopeful.
The next day, the muscles began to calm down and the physical pain of what had come up was starting to dissipate. My focus was back and I was able to get much more accomplished. Sleep came easier at night, and it was deeper and longer than it had been.
However, it was all short-lived or so it seemed.
Healing Traumatic Experiences Just Took Another Moment Of Painful Challenge For Me.
I think seeing my little kitty hurt his paw triggered me. I was already cooking before that, but hearing his little pain-filled squeaky sound did me in.
My anxiety was getting the best of me and my anger was raging. It was like a wildfire consuming everything around me.
I went from focused and hopeful to anxious and depressed. The depressed feeling went into an all-out battle of caring little if anything happened in life. I didn’t want to be around anyone and everyone became an enemy.
Traumatic Experiences Convinced Me Life Was Worth Nothing
In those moments, I had to struggle to keep myself alive. There was nothing at that point that would have convinced me life was worth living. I wanted it over. I was tired of it all. So, I fought to keep myself alive because every ounce of me wanted just the opposite.
Spending some time outdoors in nature taking pictures helped. It got my mind off of things and got me away from people. Everything hurt physically, from my back to my emotions. There was nothing happy or positive at that time.
I stayed to myself and wanted nothing to do with anyone. I was angry and upset and feeling locked in a hell all alone. It didn’t seem like there was a way out. It seemed like this torment would never end. The traumatic experiences of my past were nothing but a torture chamber at the present moment.
I Seethed Anger
I seethed anger at any moving thing around me. It hurt and yet I tried to protect myself. There was nothing I could do to stop it, although I wished a million ways of bringing it all to an end.
I spent some more time out taking pictures. It is one of those things that I can lose myself in and shut out everything else. Sometimes it is one of the few things that keeps me functioning.
Then it dawned on me. I suddenly realized where the anger and pain and hopelessness were coming from at this moment. The depression and sadness and anxiety made sense. It was those traumatic experiences I once endured.
Into The Body Part Of The Trauma
Everything I did with the last therapy session was taking me into the body part of the trauma. It was a further depth than I had traveled up to this point. It was the point where I was making a connection to the emotion and feeling of those traumatic experiences.
No, I could not write a story about it all. There’s no way I could lay out a moment by moment replay of what happened. I just know that we went into the deep parts of the traumatic experiences and that’s never easy. The emotions and feelings that came out of it are what needed to heal and get resolved.
While I would love to say that this has all concluded and wrapped itself up, I would only be fooling myself with such a statement. I know there are many layers and the more we go into these traumatic experiences, the more challenging it can be.
I wish I knew others that had truly walked into the depths of the traumatic experiences. Yes, I know many that have healed so much of their lives, but this is different. This is going in and connecting with those cellular components that were silenced many years ago.
The Courage To Walk Through
Deep inside, I know I have the courage to walk through these traumatic experiences, but it doesn’t mean the challenge is any less. It doesn’t mean it is any easier. In fact, the deeper you go, the more courage is required.
I don’t necessarily see this as a bad thing unless you become re-traumatized by a process such as this. It requires the right person to work with, who fully understands what this all means. I know many of us give lip service and say we understand, but I can tell you from my vantage point, it is much more involved than this.
These traumatic experiences have a life of their own. They have emotions and feelings, pain and physical sensations, hopelessness and despair all locked within them. Our brains do an excellent job of protecting us while going through them, but if we’re not careful, the protection hinders our growth.
Not A One Time Quick Healing Event
What was once protection is now guarding us from discovering all that we are and letting go of the most painful parts of life. It is a process, exposed layer by layer. It is not a one-time thing or a quick healing event. I know we convince ourselves that it is, but healing is much more than that.
I’m not going to say that everything is back to normal at this moment. The struggle is very real. However, I’m doing things to take care of myself as I help get myself through this moment. I would love to say enough is enough, but there is something within me that continues the journey, no matter how difficult it gets.
At times my little flame feels like it is almost out, but I know that if I hold on to courage, my flame will once again burn bright.
No child should have to go through what I did. There’s never enough justice for it or enough positive thoughts to put it in perspective. All I know is, if I give up and stop now, then those that tortured, abused, and molested me will win. There’s no way I’m ready to let them win!
For more on my story and my journey so far, read my latest book, Overcoming A Mysterious Condition. It will shed much more light on this blog post and why healing is not only a struggle but a possibility.